Broken Hallelujah
by writeallnight
Summary: She did her job and saved the world. But neither Kensi nor Deeks is sure it was the worth the sacrifice she almost made. The weight of her choice sits heavy on their shoulders as they return home. Post ep for The Silo.


A/N: The Silo WRECKED me. I've been struggling with this story just because there is sooooo much to talk about from that episode. Honest to goodness, I truly mean it when I say that scene at the end is the greatest thing they have ever done. There is a lot to unpack and this probably won't be my only fic on this episode. I could literally cry just thinking about it. Enjoy!

* * *

The ride back to the Mission was long, giving her plenty of time to agonize over the events of the day. She didn't want to do this anymore. The realization had settled in her gut as she scrambled through that narrow pipe, feeling her clothing catch and tear. Deeks was worth it. He deserved better than the crappy goodbye she'd given him over the phone. _She_ deserved better than that.

She'd gritted her teeth and promised herself that if she made it out of that metal tube alive, she'd work toward making sure this was the last time she stared death boldly in the face and dared it to come take her. It would take time to unravel her life from NCIS, but somehow she would figure it out. Somebody else could save the world.

Now, watching the darkened landscape flash by outside the window, she felt uncertain. It was so easy to say she was out. It was completely different to determine what that looked like. If she hadn't been there today to stop a nuclear holocaust there might not have been a home to go back to. It didn't seem right to walk away when she could still do so much good.

Then her stomach clenched as she thought about how Deeks had sounded on the phone and the thought she'd been keeping at bay for hours finally reared its ugly head: What if this had been too much for him? She'd never before doubted his commitment to her. But as the Mission came into view, a little voice inside her whispered that this might be the thing that finally pushed him away, and she found herself even more anxious to see him; to assure herself that somehow he would forgive her for nearly destroying them.

Her throat tightened and she leaned her head against the window, feeling slightly ill. She'd had no other choice. He would understand. He always did.

When she finally found him on the roof she suddenly found she didn't even know what to say. _I'm sorry_ , didn't seem like enough. _I love you_ , didn't quite cover it either. Words tumbled out in a confusing jumble as she tried to gauge where his head was at. Wherever it was, it wasn't good.

He wrapped her in his arms and she wanted to sink into him and cry. But tension radiated off of him, flowing through his body and into hers, causing her stomach to twist in uncertainty. Now didn't seem like the right time to unburden herself on him.

"Can we just go home?" she whispered into his neck. "Please?"

She wanted today to be over. She wanted to forget the agonizing choices that lay ahead for them and pretend this day had never happened.

His arms tightened around her and he released a shuddering breath. "Yeah. Let's go home."

The ride was silent, both of them lost in their own thoughts. Kensi swallowed, trying to keep her tears at bay. They were going to get through this. They were going to figure it out. But glancing at Deeks, his jaw tight, eyes staring straight ahead, suddenly her heart wasn't so sure.

When they walked in the door they were immediately greeted by Monty, who seemed to sense the heaviness that hung in the air between them. "I'm going to take him for a walk," Deeks said. "Just…clear my head a little."

"Oh, okay." Kensi nodded, swallowing her hurt. She wanted desperately to be near him right now, but if he needed some time she owed it to him.

He grabbed the leash and clipped it onto Monty's collar but their furry housemate seemed reluctant to leave Kensi behind. "Come on buddy," Deeks said, tugging him toward the door.

Monty looked sadly at Kensi and strained to get back to her. "Monty, go," she ordered.

He hung his head and followed Deeks out the door.

Kensi found herself alone and at a loss as to what to do. Her head ached and the scratches on her arms were stinging. She hadn't eaten in hours but her stomach churned unhappily at the thought of food.

She wandered into the master bath, the idea of a shower seeming like a decent option. She turned on the water in the master bath but the spray did nothing to soothe her aching muscles. Her mind spun with possibilities, turning the day over and over again, making her feel dizzy and disoriented.

The weight of the day finally settled fully onto her. She'd killed someone who was once a friend. She'd said goodbye to the man she loved. She'd saved the world, but who was going to save them?

She gasped as pain stabbed at her heart. Her limbs felt suddenly too heavy and she collapsed in on herself in agony.

* * *

He wished he could say he'd never been so scared in his life. But honestly it was a toss up between sitting by her hospital bed for weeks on end, wondering if she was ever going to wake up, and waiting by the phone all day today, literally sick with worry.

Monty was dragging his feet, clearly upset that they'd left Kensi behind. But Deeks needed a few minutes, just a few more minutes, to try and process the hell that this day had been. He hadn't breathed properly in hours and he still felt shaky and uncertain.

He hated himself for letting her leave this morning after such a stupid fight. Their bickering was something that he loved, part of what made them who they were, but today it had come dangerously close to doing irreparable damage. Never again would he let her leave his sight upset, he swore to himself as he walked up the darkened street.

It was a bitter pill to swallow. She'd done the right thing and selfishly he wished she hadn't. He wished that this one time, this one damn time, she had just come home and let somebody else do it.

They'd made enough sacrifices. When did it end?

He walked back toward the house with no more answers than he'd started with. At least Monty's steps picked up a bit as they neared home.

He would sleep on the couch tonight. It was going to kill him not to be with her, but they both needed some space, some time to think through what the next step would be. Walking away from her wasn't something he would consider for even a second, but forging ahead without a plan in place wasn't going to work either. His heart couldn't take it.

He heard the shower running and felt a guilty sense of relief that he could put off talking to her for just a few minutes longer. Monty sat by his water dish, tongue hanging out, so Deeks filled it before pouring some cereal into a bowl and settling in front of the TV.

He wasn't hungry and his makeshift dinner sat untouched until Monty came over and claimed it. Deeks stared blankly at the screen, not noticing for at least ten minutes that he was watching an infomercial for women's vitamins.

He turned it off and realized that the shower was still going. Looking at his watch he frowned. She'd been in there for a long time. He walked to the bathroom and knocked hesitantly. "Kens? You okay?"

There was no response so he knocked louder. "Kensi? Babe? You all right?"

He opened the door, blinded momentarily by steam. Then he saw her, sitting on the floor of the shower, arms wrapped around her knees, her body shaking as she gasped for air.

"Kensi!"

He grabbed a towel and got in fully clothed, turning off the water and sinking down to the floor. He wrapped it around her shoulders, fear tearing at his heart as he listened to her gasp and choke. "Hey, hey look at me. You have to breathe all right? Kensi!" He said her name sharply to get her attention. "Breathe. Come on. You can do it."

"I—I'm s—sorry," she choked out.

She was falling apart. He cupped her face in his hands and she could barely meet his eyes. "Hey, listen to me. Don't do that right now. Just breathe. In and out. Breathe. Watch me."

He inhaled slowly, encouraging her to do the same as he rubbed her back soothingly.

When she seemed to have calmed a bit he moved to go get another towel, but she gripped his hand and refused to let go. Her voice was still shaky, her eyes wild with fear. "I don't want to lose you."

She thought he was going to leave her. She thought that what she'd done was enough to make him walk away. Just the thought of it sucked the air from his lungs.

"I was just going to get you another towel," he finally said gently. "You're soaking wet. I'm not going any further than the linen closet, I promise. All right?"

She nodded and he stood to retrieve it. Any thought he'd had of sleeping on the couch had vanished. He'd thought they needed some space. He realized now that what they really needed was each other.

Wrapping the new towel around her securely, he tucked her head beneath his chin. "I am _not_ leaving you," he said firmly. "Not ever. Whatever our future looks like, that is not on the table. I'm not going anywhere without you."

She was crying now, but they were tears of exhaustion and pain instead of crippling panic. "I can't do this anymore," she said between sobs. "But I don't know if I can leave it behind. I don't know what to do."

"I know," he murmured. "I know."

"I can't lose you."

"You're not. I'm right here. I love you so much. You're not going to lose me. Not that easily."

He kissed her hair, her forehead, continuing to whisper words of comfort until he was able to coax her off the wet tiles and into the bedroom. As she dried off a bit more he handed her a t-shirt he knew she loved and a pair of yoga pants. There were scratches on her arms, bruises on her ribs and he winced as he thought of how they'd gotten there.

He stripped off his own wet clothing and left it in a pile on the floor. Then he joined her in their bed, wrapping her in his arms, pulling her as close as he possibly could.

"What are we going to do?" she said, her voice raw, her eyes swollen and red.

He shook his head. "I don't know. But we'll figure it out."

"What if we can't?"

The whispered words of fear tore into his heart. It felt like they were both drowning. He wished he had some answers for her but he felt just as lost as she did. "We will. Together. We'll do whatever we have to."

Another broken sob emanated from someplace deep inside of her. "I did the right thing, didn't I?"

"You saved the world baby. You did so good." It had just about killed them both, but it was the right thing nonetheless.

"I wish I didn't have to."

A tear slipped down her cheek and he tenderly brushed it away. "I know."

"You promise you still love me?"

She had no idea how precious she was to him. "To the end of time and back." He echoed her words from earlier, the ones she whispered in his ear so sweetly every night as they drifted off to sleep.

She closed her eyes and nuzzled closer into his chest. He bit back his own tears and just focused on the feeling of her breath, rising and falling. There were times when their love might not be easy, but it was worth the struggle. As long as they were together, that was all that mattered.

* * *

A/N: Leave your love in the reviews!


End file.
